10 Things You Probably Shouldn’t Buy Online
Asking if Brand Labs loves ecommerce is like asking if Jeff Bridges makes awesome movies. The answer is obvious. (We are still debating on whether or not the Tron remake did the original justice, but we’re also realists. We understand that even awesome things may not be awesome for everything. For example, The Dude will go down in history as one of the great characters in American cinema, while the whiny, sex-phobic math nerd Bridges played in The Mirror Has Two Faces just makes us sad.) That said, we’re well aware ecommerce isn’t 100% ideal for every, single purchase you make.
To help you avoid any potential problems that could arise from copping certain items off the Internet, here are ten purchases you might be better off making in person. You do remember how that works, right?
The thing about buying certain items from your computer or smart phone is that you’re only getting a snapshot of their reality. In many cases there may be a dent or piece missing from a product. But, with living, breathing creatures, the complications could be much worse. While you might be expecting a cross-breed between Lassie and Air Bud to be dropped off at your door based on the picture and breeder’s bias word, the reality is you could very easily wind up with a rabid mutt, who relentlessly barks at air and only dines on human appendages. And that’s never fun.
Sure, not every car bought online is going to die upon the initial exit from your drive-way, especially when you’re buying them new. However, internal issues aren’t the only concern. When spending big bucks on anything, wouldn’t you rather see it up close and personal? For automobiles specifically, not only is test-driving unavailable when buying via an eCommerce platform, but what if you’re in the mafia? How are you supposed to evaluate how many bodies can fit into the trunk? Lord knows a virtual assistant can’t answer that.
This entry comes from experience. Back in ’09, one of our former employees purchased a mail-order bride online and the outcome was far from ideal. After this unnamed gentleman introduced us to Svetlana at our Wednesday bar night, she seemed to be both good-looking (despite the prosthetic leg) and fairly nice (for someone who strictly spoke Ukranian). However, after two weeks of said employee lagging behind at work and eventually quitting, we realized buying a wife from a website was a terrible idea. Turns out, she was selling all his belongings during the days and would only sleep at her “Будинок товариша (friend’s house).” Plus, she was a dude.
Whether you thought of it or not, paint seems like an obvious choice, as most people need to take a sample of their old or preferred color and match it up against their walls at home. Yet, there are still those stingy folks who have to pinch every penny possible and would potentially skip that precautionary process just to buy online and save money. That’s all fine and dandy, but we’ll just assume their living room will end up looking like this.
There’s nothing wrong with being satisfied by the 200 or so followers you have on Twitter. After all, while following others is one-click away, being cool enough to get people to return the favor isn’t the easiest task. That’s why there are certain companies and programs that allow you to actually buy followers. Don’t ask us how they work, but these automated-adders inflate your subscribers substantially depending how much money you pay, making your online moniker appear way cooler than you actually are in-person and significantly dropping your chances of doing anything worthwhile with your life.
Let’s face it, more than likely, you’re lazy ass shouldn’t be buying weight loss medicine from anywhere. Instead, you should cut out late-night dates with the deep-fryer, pass on more milkshakes and implement an exercise regimen for yourself. Then, even questioning whether or not these poor excuses for a diet will work or not won’t even cross your mind. Plus, haven’t you seen that Saved By The Bell episode where Jesse freaks out after taking them? Bad idea.
Drugs in General
This is a tad more broad than the previous entry. While many drugs will indeed make you sweat and stop eating, the ones we’re referring to here will also make you see mirages in the ocean. So, when you’re dealing with things that affect your brain’s serotonin receptors and overall perception of reality, it’s probably best you do it person. After all, if the seller you’re getting your fix from only has four teeth, you can’t really tell based on an online order form or vague Craigslist post.
Forget what your girlfriend says about this one. How many times have you gone into the shoe store and bought the first pair the salesperson brought you? Unless you’re LeBron James and the store happens to be Nike headquarters, the answer is probably not very often. With kicks getting more and more expensive by the day, most buyers typically make sure they’re spending their hard-earned money on something that’s guaranteed to get worn and won’t have to be returned. If you buy shoes from an eCommerce store, the chances of getting a pair that feel like hard-caraved Dutch clogs are that much higher.
Sure, there are a lot of places to buy food online and that’s all well and good if you’re buying bulk pasta or inappropriate Chinese candy. But, if you’re buying the only three things that we tend to keep in the house (milk, bread & age-blackened bananas) you may want to venture out into the real world. Heck… everyone’s happy to get a 40 pound box of Crisco in the mail, but much less appealing is a 40 pound box of salmonella. Get out there and squeeze those bananas.
We don’t care how many times that Road-Runner has duped you – buying anvils online is not a good idea. Sure, they’re not convenient to find and Acme stores are overpriced, but you’re forgetting one very important specific. The shipping. Do you realize how much it would cost to ship let’s say ten anvils from San Francisco to Detroit? Way more than it would cost to buy a huge slingshot and some dynamite.